Battlefield

I'm a battlefield of:

 being the woman I am and being the woman I want to be. 

It overwhelms me to think about it. 

I know I say "I don't want to talk about it" 

but I really do, I need to … 

Its just hard trying to find the right words

 from my heart and trying to put together a coherent 

sentence from all of the voices in my head. 

It devours me, the imbalance.

 I am trying to find a balance  

between being real 

and 

being perfect. 

When I get really quiet 

its simply because I have 

stirred up too much inside 

that I don't know where to start. 

If I try to explain 

my line of thinking in it's entirety 

who knows what you'll think- 

you probably  

wouldn't even know what to do with it all. 

At times, I don't know what to talk about first: 

what matters to me, 

what matters to you, 

what matters to the b o t h of u s 

 and 

what even matters at all. 

I get prematurely envious of anyone 

who is able to get your attention and keep it. 

I want to emit a light so bright for you

 that  you are able to find your way out of the darkness. 

I need to have your undivided attention. 

I miss you constantly 

even though you're right next to me. 

I also like how we are able to be separate 

 and it be okay.  

Inside of my brain is a compilation 

of thoughts, secrets, cravings, needs and wants, fears 

and insecurities that I never want to be reminded of

 and a nostalgia for the past 

and an obsession for the future

 that drives me to insanity and 

delivers comfort to my soul.  

For you… I am trying. 

I am a soul, I have a body. 

I am a battlefield of perfection and insecurities. 

I am trying…

 If I find the words to explain to,  you

I hope you'll listen.  

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