Wednesday, November 26, 2014

2014 Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is coming up and this time is usually used to appreciate spending it with your family and giving thanks, right? It's quite enjoyable you know, the traditional Thursday lunch/ dinner filled with distant relatives and mom’s homemade stuffing with that turkey that took her days to prepare along with Grandma's handmade tamales that make your mouth water just thinking about them. Well in wrapping up the 2014 year there has come a time for me that I wont be able to be back in my hometown… which creates an indifferent sensation about not seeing my blood family. But this also stirs up a sort of excitement and eagerness to give thanks with people who are also another type of family to me. The family I have created for myself.

If Thanksgiving is like turkey, My Thanksfriends day is like those sweet potatoes Grandma makes with the extra, extra butter and that sugary syrup. The classic is healthy and warm, but the new dish is one that just tastes so fucking good. It’s a festivity with people I consider another type of family to me, heck, even a closer family at times.

While Thanksgiving with my family has been a great time to catch up, it’s going to be a great time to make some brand new memories with my friends who have turned into family. (even though I’ve left some other ones back in the RGV)

Because a Thanksfriends day is so much more than just expensive dishware and like 50 pounds of turkey… It’s boxed wine, instant mashed, a fried turkey that may or may not be edible and stories to bring up for days; hell, or even a pre ordered thanksgiving lunch, it’s laughing until one of us drops our glass of wine and fighting over who is going to do the dishes afterwards and dancing until we get dizzy and lighting up a cigarette on our balcony while staring at the Hollywood sign in amazement on the journey it took to getting here with a craving in our tongues for the future.

It’s going to go down with the TV on in the background or the playlist attached to so many memories.

It’s spending the night with people who have literally seen you at your shittiest, dirtiest and lowest, where the food isn’t the center of attention, but the people sitting around it are. Because at this Thanksgiving, there really is going to be no forks given. (lol, lame i know) The food MAY BE shitty (if I cook it) but the company will be far from it. It’s not going to beat my mom’s potato salad, but the conversation surpasses those with my uncle.

We probably wont have a real table by then, but we’ll be happy to sit on the floor. Because it’s the quality of the people in the chairs, not the quality of the chairs, always remember that! There may not be one expensive wine, but there will be a lot of cheap ones or a giant box of it. One of the few times when quantity over quality really does play out! There’s not going to be a drunk grandpa, a drunk uncle, or a "buzzed" dad but just drunk friends. It's going to be drinking too much and starting an interpreted dance off to Lana Del Rey on Pandora Radio.

There’s no small talk, just real talk.

This year we won’t be sugarcoating stories to make them rated G for any younger cousins or holding back those cuss words that are frowned upon. It’s captivating conversations with people who have even more dramatic stories than your own.
There will more than likely be no fancy desserts…but we’ve been on a high since the meal started.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014


I'm a battlefield of:
 being the woman I am and being the woman I want to be. 
It overwhelms me to think about it. 
I know I say "I don't want to talk about it" 
but I really do, I need to … 
Its just hard trying to find the right words
 from my heart and trying to put together a coherent 
sentence from all of the voices in my head. 
It devours me, the imbalance.
 I am trying to find a balance  
between being real 
being perfect. 
When I get really quiet 
its simply because I have 
stirred up too much inside 
that I don't know where to start. 
If I try to explain 
my line of thinking in it's entirety 
who knows what you'll think- 
you probably  
wouldn't even know what to do with it all. 
At times, I don't know what to talk about first: 
what matters to me, 
what matters to you, 
what matters to the b o t h of u s 
what even matters at all. 
I get prematurely envious of anyone 
who is able to get your attention and keep it. 
I want to emit a light so bright for you
 that  you are able to find your way out of the darkness. 
I need to have your undivided attention. 
I miss you constantly 
even though you're right next to me. 
I also like how we are able to be separate 
 and it be okay.  
Inside of my brain is a compilation 
of thoughts, secrets, cravings, needs and wants, fears 
and insecurities that I never want to be reminded of
 and a nostalgia for the past 
and an obsession for the future
 that drives me to insanity and 
delivers comfort to my soul.  
For you… I am trying. 
I am a soul, I have a body. 
I am a battlefield of perfection and insecurities. 
I am trying…
 If I find the words to explain to,  you
I hope you'll listen.