Wednesday, November 26, 2014

2014 Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is coming up and this time is usually used to appreciate spending it with your family and giving thanks, right? It's quite enjoyable you know, the traditional Thursday lunch/ dinner filled with distant relatives and mom’s homemade stuffing with that turkey that took her days to prepare along with Grandma's handmade tamales that make your mouth water just thinking about them. Well in wrapping up the 2014 year there has come a time for me that I wont be able to be back in my hometown… which creates an indifferent sensation about not seeing my blood family. But this also stirs up a sort of excitement and eagerness to give thanks with people who are also another type of family to me. The family I have created for myself.

If Thanksgiving is like turkey, My Thanksfriends day is like those sweet potatoes Grandma makes with the extra, extra butter and that sugary syrup. The classic is healthy and warm, but the new dish is one that just tastes so fucking good. It’s a festivity with people I consider another type of family to me, heck, even a closer family at times.

While Thanksgiving with my family has been a great time to catch up, it’s going to be a great time to make some brand new memories with my friends who have turned into family. (even though I’ve left some other ones back in the RGV)

Because a Thanksfriends day is so much more than just expensive dishware and like 50 pounds of turkey… It’s boxed wine, instant mashed, a fried turkey that may or may not be edible and stories to bring up for days; hell, or even a pre ordered thanksgiving lunch, it’s laughing until one of us drops our glass of wine and fighting over who is going to do the dishes afterwards and dancing until we get dizzy and lighting up a cigarette on our balcony while staring at the Hollywood sign in amazement on the journey it took to getting here with a craving in our tongues for the future.

It’s going to go down with the TV on in the background or the playlist attached to so many memories.

It’s spending the night with people who have literally seen you at your shittiest, dirtiest and lowest, where the food isn’t the center of attention, but the people sitting around it are. Because at this Thanksgiving, there really is going to be no forks given. (lol, lame i know) The food MAY BE shitty (if I cook it) but the company will be far from it. It’s not going to beat my mom’s potato salad, but the conversation surpasses those with my uncle.

We probably wont have a real table by then, but we’ll be happy to sit on the floor. Because it’s the quality of the people in the chairs, not the quality of the chairs, always remember that! There may not be one expensive wine, but there will be a lot of cheap ones or a giant box of it. One of the few times when quantity over quality really does play out! There’s not going to be a drunk grandpa, a drunk uncle, or a "buzzed" dad but just drunk friends. It's going to be drinking too much and starting an interpreted dance off to Lana Del Rey on Pandora Radio.

There’s no small talk, just real talk.

This year we won’t be sugarcoating stories to make them rated G for any younger cousins or holding back those cuss words that are frowned upon. It’s captivating conversations with people who have even more dramatic stories than your own.
There will more than likely be no fancy desserts…but we’ve been on a high since the meal started.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014


I'm a battlefield of:
 being the woman I am and being the woman I want to be. 
It overwhelms me to think about it. 
I know I say "I don't want to talk about it" 
but I really do, I need to … 
Its just hard trying to find the right words
 from my heart and trying to put together a coherent 
sentence from all of the voices in my head. 
It devours me, the imbalance.
 I am trying to find a balance  
between being real 
being perfect. 
When I get really quiet 
its simply because I have 
stirred up too much inside 
that I don't know where to start. 
If I try to explain 
my line of thinking in it's entirety 
who knows what you'll think- 
you probably  
wouldn't even know what to do with it all. 
At times, I don't know what to talk about first: 
what matters to me, 
what matters to you, 
what matters to the b o t h of u s 
what even matters at all. 
I get prematurely envious of anyone 
who is able to get your attention and keep it. 
I want to emit a light so bright for you
 that  you are able to find your way out of the darkness. 
I need to have your undivided attention. 
I miss you constantly 
even though you're right next to me. 
I also like how we are able to be separate 
 and it be okay.  
Inside of my brain is a compilation 
of thoughts, secrets, cravings, needs and wants, fears 
and insecurities that I never want to be reminded of
 and a nostalgia for the past 
and an obsession for the future
 that drives me to insanity and 
delivers comfort to my soul.  
For you… I am trying. 
I am a soul, I have a body. 
I am a battlefield of perfection and insecurities. 
I am trying…
 If I find the words to explain to,  you
I hope you'll listen.  


Thursday, October 23, 2014


(A personal narrative)

I look into the mirror and doll myself up to find that I'm in the prime of my life. I look forward to the attractive encounters I come across along the road of my journey because they are my sunlight. I cant even begin to explain the times I feel in love with only one thing about someone, or under a velvet sky, threw my hands up and believed this was the best time ever, or made a wish on a crashing car. My heart sparkles and breaks. My eyes pierce and hear. The rhythm in my walk silences & speaks. It takes letting go of "what could be" for the risk of obtaining something greater, the "what is." It's not about proving there is a reason, it's about believing that there is one.
My soul is a giver and my heart is a receiver, I listen to my sight before I say "forever". When people criticize my line of action, I cant help but want to explain but it's ridiculously inhumane to explain your logic to people who seek: houses, the comfort of routine, success through monetary value.They have no idea what it's like to rely on the approval of your own thoughts, the words of a lover or a kind acquaintance & to seem obsessed and for "home" to be wherever you are, you. They call it "over analytical" but they're underestimating.
I was always distant of those living in the shallow because I looked at everything into depth. I crave the twisted and the comfort of the unfamiliar all for an inner melody that plays for the spirit that dances to it. Id have a mouth full of fear & lies if I ever said I wasn't ok with my past and that i just wanted to stay here with you. The need to never stop wandering doesn't allow me to speak of such things. Right now, I consider it the prime of my life because in the past, I have always been someones girlfriend, someones love, someones heart break, but all I simply wanted to do is, entertain. I've always wanted the world and was given the moon- every day is birth and I remind myself of a graceful vision for every encounter, so that i can learn and teach.

Under a sheet of stars I reminisce of us, dancing, laughing and even fighting. I remember everything you told me, and how you made me feel. I remember how you said you knew but you didn't and how much I craved spiritual freedom and that wasn't even half of it. I wont go back but those memories feed me, and give me real hope for true love. I love to sing and help create melodies. I sketch clothing on bodies that stir up controversy. I let my fingertips bleed on a notepad inside of my laptop. I observe others to stay in tune with my soul. I remember at one point in my life, arguably, all I ever imagined was becoming a writer but I've wished upon a full moon to many times that epitomizes indecisiveness.

The obsession I have for connecting with your soul terrifies me into a demanding passion and a demanding expression from you because you run your fingers thru the tangles of my soul.

I want to dance for strangers and find someone stranger.
My obsession pushes me to a sense of nomadic unconventional-ism that both drives and delivers me.

 Even though, I go to sleep in a city of angels, I wake up in the city of dreams. 


Tuesday, October 14, 2014

the Crazy Cat Lady

      The Crazy Cat Lady
         By: Kimberly Avila 

A few days ago, I was at a coffee shop and I couldn’t help but over hear some women talk about their love lives, careers, and their fear of becoming the "crazy cat lady" at their thirties or forties. I wondered who the crazy cat lady is. Why have I heard of her before? I immediately started to think of all the women I know, or have known and wondered if I knew any that I've considered this. 
I mean cats are cool and exotic; being crazy is always the best kind of fun, and who doesn't want to be considered a lady? Why are they making her seem like a bad thing to be considered?

I envisioned this lady to be gorgeous, strutting around in her Jimmy Choo's when she’s feeling sexy and feminine or in some Tom Ford leather thigh high boots when she’s edgy and channeling her inner vixen while she sports her classic Audrey Hepburn style with her freshwater pearls and her brilliant diamonds, probably wearing Chanel to bed.

Her style is constantly evolving and distinctive. She has mastered aesthetics to the smack dab core. She is a hard worker and you couldn't ever tell from the way she walks or even speaks. She makes it look so graceful. 

She is thought of as "crazy" because she’s passionate, confident, unconventional and unapologetic-ally poetic. She doesn't believe she’s gone mad. She doesn’t believe she’s crazy. In fact, that’s not a worry of hers. She has no worries.
This beautiful striking being has surrounded herself by just the same thing… hence her “cat” reference. She has valued the Bengal and Black cats for companionship. She admires their strong, flexible bodies, with their quick reflexes, sharp retractable claws, and keen senses. They fascinate her. Her fur babies obtain the ability to look into your soul that will probably have you reevaluating your choices because of the wanderlust and unique energy they transmit. They are loyal and exotic. She even has garden of a wide variety of succulents as healthy as she appears. Her admiration for the succulent plant is for the fact that they maintain a habitat that collects and stores water to survive long periods of time in exposure to high levels of minerals that are deadly to other plants. 

She is single because she hasn’t found the right partner not because no one wants her. She’s being selective because she can. She has romantic needs and wants that must be fulfilled. She craves equality and spiritual freedom. She has met plenty of men with potential but she has the ability to recognize that they may be perfect but not perfect for her, and to my concern, that isn’t a problem at all! She understands that it’s not always wise to fall in love with the idea of what a man can be but rather for what he is and what it is. She is in no hurry even though you want to consider her age; she finds her life so precious that she doesn't believe she should ever settle. And you know what? She’s right, ladies! 

She has a great, handful of married girlfriends and she’s happy for them. But as for herself, she believes that there are so many mediocre things in life that her love life shouldn't be one of them.
 She knows it should feel like the movies make it look.

 She needs someone to look into her eyes and run his fingers through the tangles of her soul. She continuously seeks self-autonomy and a constant rediscovery. She may be single but she’s not alone. Her belief of freedom is that there is no rush. She appears strange and wants to find someone stranger. Her confidence will intimidate the boys, as it impresses the men. 

The crazy cat lady, is what you see? 

A woman, who refuses to settle, is what I see. 

Because, you see, sister, it’s all about perspective. The quicker you realize that there is an opportunity in every difficulty, the quicker you will be free. The quicker you realize that the glass isn’t half empty but that there’s more space for more wine, you will be free. 

You will appear crazy. But you will be happy. 

So let’s redefine this "crazy cat lady" and visualize her positively! Since, mature women empower each other.


Monday, October 13, 2014


For every beautiful soul I found
I'd pray they'd become family
I'd pray that we'd fall in love 
& when we did, we'd run wild
& we'd teach each other how to be OK

I finally found them
My people
A group I connected with 
& In the prime time of my life
...Of our lives 
We were all so vulnerable and raw
We didn't mind what we'd lose
Optimistic for what we'd gain 
(To be honest, Ive felt this way before)
& nothing we needed anymore...
Except to view the world with our hearts 
& to pledge allegiance to the sovereignty 
To embrace the struggle
Breathe romantically
Live youthfully
& most importantly, live freely
I believe in the person I used to be 
I believe that freedom means there is no rush
I live by the fact that 
We do not witness things as they are
We witness things as we are 
Who are you?
Do you know who you want to be?
Can you live through your deepest fear?
Ive felt forever
what about you?