I'm a battlefield of:
being the woman I am and being the woman I want to be.
It overwhelms me to think about it.
I know I say "I don't want to talk about it"
but I really do, I need to …
Its just hard trying to find the right words
from my heart and trying to put together a coherent
sentence from all of the voices in my head.
It devours me, the imbalance.
I am trying to find a balance
between being real
When I get really quiet
its simply because I have
stirred up too much inside
that I don't know where to start.
If I try to explain
my line of thinking in it's entirety
who knows what you'll think-
wouldn't even know what to do with it all.
At times, I don't know what to talk about first:
what matters to me,
what matters to you,
what matters to the b o t h of u s
what even matters at all.
I get prematurely envious of anyone
who is able to get your attention and keep it.
I want to emit a light so bright for you
that you are able to find your way out of the darkness.
I need to have your undivided attention.
I miss you constantly
even though you're right next to me.
I also like how we are able to be separate
and it be okay.
Inside of my brain is a compilation
of thoughts, secrets, cravings, needs and wants, fears
and insecurities that I never want to be reminded of
and a nostalgia for the past
and an obsession for the future
that drives me to insanity and
delivers comfort to my soul.
For you… I am trying.
I am a soul, I have a body.
I am a battlefield of perfection and insecurities.
I am trying…
If I find the words to explain to, you
I hope you'll listen.